You're Allowed to be Happy

That’s it, that’s the whole blog… you’re allowed to be happy. 

You see, I was taught that happiness wasn’t a priority. Maybe other people’s happiness was, but surely not my own. 

I was expected to care for other people, actually, every other person above myself.  

It led me to a breakdown, one that had me fearing for my own life. (I’m sure we’ll talk about all of that eventually)

I clawed my way back up though. 

I’ve been in therapy for two years.
I sat down with a psychiatrist in December.
I made a vision board in January to focus on cherishing life.
I got a new job in February.
I started with a Chronic Illness Coach in March.
I moved into a new apartment a couple weeks ago.
I drank water and made smoothies and went on walks and broke plates and scream-singed songs while crying in my car. 

But I made it. 

As the world “opens back up”, I’m seeing people and places I haven’t seen in over a year.
Art exhibits and concerts and maybe dates with strangers.
I’m laughing again.
Doing things I enjoy, slowly beginning to love life again. 

Even with all that, I’m still scared. 

Scared to call it happiness, scared to revel in the celebration of being alive again. Of blooming after being buried. Of rising after burning to ashes. 

I’ve been here before and it’s always gone too quickly. By surprise, something happens, something terrifying and the world that I so tenderly built comes crashing down again. 

I always miss something when that happens. My therapist pointed it out.. I built this. 

I built this happiness. 

I got into therapy. I got my meds. I worked hard and got my new job. I worked through this past year and all the other trauma. I did things that bring me joy. I took care of myself.  I built this.

If it comes crashing down again, I will rebuild it. 

I know I will rebuild it because I have done it before. I know I have the skills and the ability to do so. I have great people that stand by me to help me rebuild when I need it.  

Happiness is here and at some point it’s going to leave, I can’t control that. 

I can control celebrating happiness now. I get to be happy. I get to settle in like a favorite spot on an old couch. I get to cherish this moment for what it is and let it pass when it is no longer here. 

You get to be happy too. I hope you believe me. 

No matter what has been told to you before by parents, society, religions, or even yourself.
No matter what has happened in your past or what might happen in your future. 

You’re allowed to be unapologetically happy.

Celebrate it and cherish it. 

Hell, dance in a field. Do the things that make you feel alive, even if no one else understands it. 

We’re allowed to be happy, we worked hard for this happiness. Settle in for a while.